John Potter, Postmaster General

I don’t have a lot of experience with men. It turns out that I just don’t know how they operate on a cognitive level, so to speak.

Recently I realized that I have been in one relationship or another for the past 10 years without any time to myself. I’ve never been “out there” for a long time. I can’t believe that I am just realizing this. I knew that a few of my relationships have been classic rebounds. Rebounding from a long, lonely relationship or rebounding from a crazy sex based relationship with a complete moron. One of my rebounds lasted for two years! That’s a really long time. So, having finally realized this, I have decided that my recent break up is a good opportunity to stay single for a while. I decided that it’s time for me to put myself out there and engage in getting to know who people really are before I get involved. Not dream that people are who I want them to be. (See “Love Stories at Holidays”) So I met a fellow named John Potter and all of these decisions went right out the window.

I met John and chatted with him for approximately 20 minutes. I liked his eyes. They were small, smiling, and kind. He seemed intelligent, humble and funny. He touched my hand accidentally and I felt the softness of his skin. I decided that he was perfect. I would take my dog for a walk, stand under a huge, pink bougainvillea and imagine kissing John Potter under this blooming tree canopy. I procured his telephone number from an acquaintance and inquired about his status. Single. Great. I called him and left a message, gushing with shyness and sweetness. How exciting. He is going to be so glad that I called! What a fabulous story, how romantic. He called back. We talked for an hour and a half about everything, art, literature, work, pets, pet allergies, parents, college years … We chuckled, we yelled in agreement, we opened up to each other. After an hour and a half of “getting to know you” John mentioned that he has a girlfriend. I said “no?”. He said “yes”. I said “nooo”, he said “yess”. I said “we have been on the phone for an hour!” He didn’t say anything. Then he said that he wanted to keep in touch. I said “no”, he said “noo?!” I held my tongue and said my good byes and that I’ll see him around. I was amazed and appalled for about half an hour. Why did this guy talk to me for an hour and a half if he is already in a relationship? Wow. I felt sorry for his girlfriend and I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry that I’ll never get that hour and a half of my life back.

Moral of the story: don’t make eye contact with any men. Don’t talk to strangers in bars. Don’t procure any more telephone numbers. Don’t dream of kissing kind eyed men under pink trees. And finally, ask the question “do you have a girlfriend?” as soon as possible, because the schmucks will chat you up for as long as possible just to stroke their ego.